The New Recruit
by vivaforever597
Summary: Bo Turtle has an interesting proposition for Eddy.
1. Chapter 1

_A rather crackish crossover idea that occurred to me one day out of the blue. The first chapter is set in the _AbFab_ world; the second, in Carmen's._

_Dedicated to Neko Kuroban for being a truly fabulous friend, sweetie darling.  
_

* * *

Eddy Monsoon was having a very bad day.

"Little Emma's left me, sweetie!" she wailed, earning a glare from her daughter, Saffy, and sympathetic cooing from her best friend, Patsy.

"She was never good for anything anyway," Patsy said between swigs of champagne. "Really, Eddy, you should have dropped her. I told you, nothing good could come of taking on any friend of the little bitch tr—"

"I can hear you, you know!" Saffy snapped. "Mum, this really ought to show you something. Emma's only the latest in a string of people who have gone over to Claudia Bing —"

"Don't speak that woman's name in my house, sweetie darling!" Eddy shook her head – actually, her entire upper half – violently.

"It's _my_ house, remember, Mum?" Saffy said threateningly.

"Oh, yeah, yeah-yeah-yeah."

"And can you really blame her?" Saffy continued. "After all, you did use her to get into the Comic Relief event, like the famewhore that you are!"

"How would you know?" Patsy sneered. "You weren't even there!"

But before Saffy had a chance to respond, Eddy's day got even worse.

"Hi-hi-hi!" came a sprightly female voice from the top of the stairs. Saffy paled. Eddy groaned. Patsy downed the rest of her champers.

"How did that woman get in here?" Eddy demanded as Bo, one of her many thoroughly unlikeable acquaintances, appeared, her husband, Marshall, tagging behind as usual.

"Gran must have thought she was a cleaning lady and let her in," Saffy explained.

"She's probably a witch," Patsy countered. "Let herself in with magic."

Bo, oblivious to her hosts' discussion, plopped herself into a chair at the table. "Well! It is soooo wonderful to be with all of you today, praise the Lord, hallelujah!"

"Hallelujah!" Marshall echoed, raising his hands into the air as if he were a preacher – which, after all, he had been as part of Bo's many televangelism-centric schemes.

"What do you want?" Eddy asked bluntly.

Bo shifted in her seat and gave Eddy a wide smile. "Oh, I don't want anything! You know, the love of material possessions is the root of all evil, and —"

"Get on with it!" Patsy barked as she pulled a new bottle from Eddy's hideously large refrigerator.

"I've come to share a wonderful opportunity with you!" Bo said with a fake-sweet smile.

Saffy rolled her eyes. "Not like the adoption scheme, is it? Or worse, your diet drug?"

Bo chuckled patronisingly. "Now, Saffy, Staylene resulted from the perfect match of modern chemistry" — she linked her hands together — "and God's perfect angels of love."

"If we hadn't been hit with all those lawsuits from people whose skin turned pink, we'd have been _millionaires!_" Marshall added.

"Yeah, what ever happened to evil stemming from materialism, huh?" Eddy said dryly. "I could've told you _that_ was a crock."

"Anyway," Bo continued as if she hadn't been interrupted, "I'm spreading the Lord's good news and earning buckets of money through my work with a new organisation, and I understand that the big boss" — she chuckled importantly — "is recruiting here in these Godforsaken isles. Now, since I joined this organisation, I've been earning upwards of £50 per week in addition to my steady job, and if you're interested—"

For a change, Eddy and Saffy agreed on something. Together they turned to Bo and shouted:

"GET OUT!"


	2. Chapter 2

**Carmen's POV**

What a fiasco.

It may surprise you, but I do have my reasons for choosing my henchpeople. Some show signs of intelligence; others, a certain skill I have need of; still others, connections to the proverbial rich and famous. It was for this last reason that I pulled in Bo Turtle.

I knew she wasn't the brightest bulb; I knew she'd gotten on the wrong side of many of her ... "clients," I believe she calls them? But I also knew that many of those clients, the Hollywood types, are even dumber than she. They seem to trust her, even though she has so obviously pulled cons on them. That trust would, in an ideal world, have allowed her, and thus me, to find ways into their homes.

Don't misunderstand: Carmen Sandiego has never been, and will never be, a common thief who pilfers expensive jewelry. Not in the least. Carmen Sandiego is, however, exactly the kind of person who understands that the richest people are the most likely to turn to the black market for artworks. Maybe I've grown sentimental over the years; maybe it's because my life was so turned around by seeing a painting of the woman I believe to be my mother; but of late I've become ever fonder of stealing fine art.

Now I've learned that this Turtle woman has alienated one of her primary links to the British bourgeoisie, and to boot she claimed she was recruiting for me.

No one recruits for Carmen Sandiego. I don't need any help – I do it myself.

I should have seen this coming, really. The woman was just too easy to deceive – she actually believed that she was helping me "spread the good Lord's joyful message," as she put it. I ought to have known better than to trust a televangelist.

She doesn't even have a good name. When I suggested she adopt an alias, as so many of my henchpeople do, the best she could come up with was "Faith Full-Servant." Pitiful, really.

I always give my people second chances – and third, and fourth, if they need them. But Bo Turtle is really too dense for even me to work with. She'll be only too easy to let go. I can tell her that God has told me to move to a mission center in Africa. She may try to follow me, but I know how to keep even the most experienced trackers from finding my trail.

On another topic — I've heard from her of a rather distasteful woman called Patsy Stone. She might make a fine agent for VILE...


End file.
